When I decided to chronicle our journey known as Malachi, it was important to me that I be real. The rough times of this ordeal are just as important as the good--victories and setbacks, laughter and tears, excitement and fear. Right now I am afraid. I have pleaded to God to just make Malachi well. Make his pain go away. Make his life easier so that selfishly my life is easier. Let him be a normal kid. Let him have a normal childhood. Let him just be a baby. To all of these things, God replied, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
That should be enough. At this moment, I am learning how all-sufficient His grace is as I hang on to it with every fiber of my being. Right now I pray for grace as I grieve the loss of the "normal" child I had envisioned and for strength to take on the challenges of Malachi, who is anything but normal. I pray that God's power be evidently seen in my weakness as I grapple with what lies ahead for our family. I pray that God's grace would uphold me as I learn and love Malachi, adjust to bringing him home, balance time with Emerson, be purposeful in strengthening my relationship with John, and be a mom as well as a nurse to Malachi. Can I do this? No. Can I do this with the help of the Holy Spirit within me? Most definitely.
Am I at the point where I am completely willing and able to accept the new course God has laid out before us? No. Will I get there? Yes, eventually. As much as all these emotions and things that are racing through my mind and body aren't "true", they are definitely real and they definitely hurt. I think it will be healthy for me to get all of this out and dealt with BEFORE bring Chi home and have a whole new set of things to tackle.
I am thankful to have the privilege to cling to a God who is unchanging and always true. He is the sustainer of my life, every breath. He is all I need. There are so many changes ahead which I cannot begin to comprehend, but I am thankful for a Savior who is unchanging.
One day I am confident that I will be able to boldly proclaim this verse:
"I sought the Lord, and He delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4)
i have so appreciated your transparency throughout this journey with malachi. thank you for the reminder that even in the overwhelming, God is in control. you've touched my heart over and over, and in return i will continue to pray for you!
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful inspiration to all of us who read your blog, and who come in contact with you on a daily basis. I know the journey you have been on not from a parents perspective (although I do have a child), but more so from a nurse's perspective, and your faith and strength are by far are the strongest I have ever seen in my 12 years of being in the NICU. God has a plan, and despite the fact that we may not always understand, those who have faith grow even stronger in their journey. Lots of hugs and prayers to you and your whole family, and especially Malichi ~ wendy
ReplyDeleteMarissa, I think you'll enjoy this super-short story written by a mom of a special needs child. I know I do and it helps me through somedays. http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
ReplyDeletethis is beautiful, marissa. we stand behind you in prayer!
ReplyDeletelove,
the nelsons
It is so hard to deal with our children when they are sick and in the hospital. I know I was in your shoes when Eva was born with 2 boys at home, hoping I give them as much attention as I give their sister. It is so hard to see whats ahead and how we will really be. But we did it, we made it and I have 2 AWESOME boys who give their sister the world and have learned to see what its like to help others, even those we do not know.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are posting ALL your feelings, posting just the good is not real and its something we need to get out in the open and it helps us heal.
Hang in there and we are still here praying for you all.