Saturday, March 20, 2010

Losing the Battle

Right now, I'm losing. I'm losing sight of the big picture. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad that Malachi isn't coming home on Monday. I'm praying the doctors can figure out what to do to find out what is specifically causing him his oxygen saturation problems. I'm getting caught up in the fact that I have no clue what things are going to look like when he comes home... if he comes home... no, when he comes home. I'm tired of watching life just go on around me as if nothing has happened. Why can't time just stop and Malachi can get better and we can just all be home as a family? Nobody wants or expects there child to have so much to overcome. He's such a fighter. He's so much stronger than he should be at this point. Just a bit more and he can come home. And when he comes home, I want him to be able to stay home, at least for a few weeks. But, most likely, that won't be the case. I want to be optimistic, but I need to be realistic. Most importantly I need to get back to leaning day by day and moment by moment on the only One who can and will give me strength. Every day I am reminded that I can't do this on my own. Why do I keep trying? It doesn't work that way. It's not supposed to work that way. I don't even know what to pray most of the time--"Just help." I very much feel like no one understands what is going on. Even John, who is very much going through this right alongside me, I find myself being short with and almost "naggy." He knows better than anyone what life with Malachi is like. I need to remember: we're on the same team... He's such a good man and I am thankful that God gave him to me to fight this battle. I don't even know what else to say.

BUT...
God is Good.
God is Faithful.
God is True.

With that, I'm going to try to wipe away the tears and get some sleep tonight.

6 comments:

  1. Praying for you and your family, and for the doctors involved...

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  2. Oh Marissa. I'm sorry you're struggling right now. I am praying for you. Hang in there. You are so right - God IS good and faithful and true and He is also the great comforter and I'm praying that He will comfort you right now.

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  3. Marissa, I don't know you, but I have been following your story with Chi. You a nd your husband are so strong and you and your family have been through so much. Chi and your family would not have made this far without the love and support of your family, friends, and most of all Jesus Christ. I have work with special needs kids for almost 20 years. While I don't know everything you are goming through,I do have an idea of the big picture ahead. True your life will never be the same, you will never know the answers to all of the questions. This I can say with a loving heart. God has given you a special gift, a wounderful gift. I feel like I have grown in my faith throught you. You have never given up, you have never osst hope. You and your husband as well as Chi are great great fighters. You and your family will be in my prayers always. And a special thank you to your for showing and sharing your undieing faith. God bless! Your friend in Christ Leann Moss

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  4. Oh Marissa, I am so sorry!!! We're praying for you! Cling to your Savior! Love you!

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  5. Oh Marissa, my heart breaks for you and your family. We are continually praying for you.

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  6. Marissa, You don't know me but I checked out your blog when "The Sneaky Mommy" mentioned Malachi in her blog. I have been and will continue to pray for Malachi; you and your hubby (and little girl); and the doctors and nurses. I'm thankful that you are leaning on the Lord - even if you do struggle with it sometimes (we all do!). I know a couple of families that have dealt with very ill babies that don't have the Lord to lean on - and I truthfully don't know how they manage.
    I just want to share something that I hope will be a help and encouragement to you: 1 Peter 5:7 ESV "casting all your anxieties on HIM, because HE CARES FOR YOU"!!! (Cap emphasis from me!) The Greek/English Interlinear Bible translates it as: "casting all your anxiety onto Him, because it matters to Him concerning you." (Not that I'm a scholar and use the Interlinear Bible often - I just had looked up the verse for a devotional I was doing a while back and have clung to this verse and this translation since then). It is just so awesome and unbelievable to me that what is going on in our lives matters and is a concern to the One and Only, All Powerful, True God!!!!
    Praying for you - especially today!

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