Real Moments (by John)

There have been times during this past month when I have felt distant from my Little Man's pains. I know he can't be very comfortable with being intubated and after having open heart surgery. But Marissa and I don't hear him crying because of pain or crying for Mommy or Daddy to pick him up. He is just unable to with that tube down his throat. And at times I feel bad because I think I am kind of thankful he does have that tube down his throat. I had the opportunity to hold him last night. After I got off of work I went straight to the Hospital (or Hop-sit-al as my beautiful daughter calls it). He seemed pretty peaceful laying there. Like I said before, I know he has to be uncomfortable but he doesn’t always show it. I sat down next to his bed-thing (I don't know what else to call it) and the nurse placed him in my arms. And for a moment I slipped back into that distant feeling. I mean look at him. He is just sleeping there. His heart rate is good. He isn't relying on the respirators at all because they are set to 18 breaths a minute and he was crankin out at 56 bpm. Then reality hit me like a ton of bricks. That poor little face tensed up and he gave the biggest pouty look. His monitor starts beeping because his heart rate dropped. Maybe he was in pain or maybe he was just uncomfortable. I don't know really, but as quickly as it dropped it went back up. The monitor printed his irregular heart beat and then he seemed fine. He proceeded to have this heart arrhythmia 5 or 6 more times while I was holding him. I just had to sit there and feel him squirm around a little bit when these were happening. This type of reality is sobering. As if knowing that I was thinking about how peaceful he looked either the Lord or Malachi decided to give me a glimpse of how fragile he still is. And to show me that I really have no way to fully comprehend the kind of strength God must be giving him. But it’s still difficult to watch him like that knowing I am powerless.

It’s been hard enough not being able to be the one who takes care of my child. I have to rely on someone else to make sure he is safe. That is tough for a father knowing that it is my job to take care of my family. I mean I work somewhere for a living. But that is just my work. My Job is to make sure my family is Loved, Provided for, and Safe. I am a steward. That is who I am as a husband and a father. And it is abundantly obvious everyday that I have no power over the situation. The Lord has shown me this from the beginning and it was somewhat of a relief. Knowing God is in control and I can't do anything so I need to put my trust in Him to take care of my Little Man. But over the past month it has begun to weigh on me. I know God is in control, but He appointed me as this little one's father. He gave me the responsibility to take care of him. And I can’t do anything. There have been moments when I have wondered if the good that will come from all this is worth the pain my son has endured and will continue to endure during his life.

Then I am reminded of Job. Not the part where he was blessed after he had suffered but what the Lord says to him in Job Chapter 38 - 41 when Job questioned God. Job was hurting deeply physically, emotionally, and spiritually but he would not curse his Lord. He did finally break down and questioned God's justice and fairness in the situation. And of course when God responds He explains the whole story of what had happened and how Job was being tested and that it was all because of that stinkin Satan accusing Job…… Oh wait no He didn't. He didn't need to explain Himself. God didn't need to respond to Job at all but He did. And even in that God was showing Job more grace than he deserved. What did God say to Job then? He reminded Job of how great He, the Creator and Sustainer of everything, truly is.

I have no idea what it was like for Job. What I am going through doesn't really compare, but that does not lessen the hurt I feel for my child or the confusion I feel in my heart when I see my son in pain. But in those moments when I, like Job, start to question God’s intentions my mind and heart go back to how Job responds in Chapter 42:

I know that You can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, "Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?" Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; things too wonderful for me to know. You said, "Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me." My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

That is me. Job is saying what I need to say. It's not that I shouldn't ever wonder what the purpose of all this is or what God is doing. But all too often I think and speak of things I do not understand as if I deserve to know answers to questions I don’t need to ask.

For all the times I have read Job I don’t recall focusing on Jobs response to God. And even though my trials pale in comparison to Job’s, I feel (maybe even for the first time) I know what he means when he said, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” I’ve heard of who God is and believed He is who He has said He is in Scripture. I’ve heard stories of how God has touch peoples lives and dealt miraculously. I have probably seen countless times how God has miraculously worked in my life and never took the time to notice Him working. But I can’t look at my son and not see my almighty Lord and Savior working every day in Malachi’s life, my family’s life, and my life.

Oh, how I pray that if the time were to ever come that I would have the opportunity to quote Job 1:21 that I would do so with an honest heart:

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.