with hesitancy

I've been hesitant to write anything over the course of this past week because frankly, my mind is mush. I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions and completely exhausted. There were many moments where I would have a profound thought or want to remember what I was feeling at that time and be like, "I should write this down." Of course, I never did and thankfully I don't really remember much. There were and still are moments of hope in an unfailing God, but when I am weak and my defenses are down I become mad, frustrated, and just in despair.

John has been amazing throughout this whole ordeal. He has gone above and beyond picking up the slack that has resulted from my apathy. He has taken care of meals on the days when nothing is scheduled to be delivered, he has done the dishes, he has tidied up our place, he has given too many back rubs to count, he's allowed me to rest so as to take care of the new life growing within me, and overall he's been a stronghold for our family. I would not be functioning without my husband.

The biggest blow we received this week was when we were presented with the information regarding Malachi's inability to create his own T-cells required in the development of a functioning immune system. Most of the time, I feel like we are just waiting for Malachi to get sick--so sick that we have to decide to turn off his ventilator and stop most of his medications and just keep him from feeling the pain until he passes. When I allow myself to get that far, my mind then ventures even further. How much medical technology is too much? What will the long-term effects be of all this medication we're pumping into his little body? Am I ready to say good-bye? Funeral preparations? A scary road to go down.