There are many things that happen throughout the day that bring Malachi to mind.
For one, my blue bracelet. A constant reminder of the earthly life, death, and heavenly life of our little man. I am so thankful for the assurance of heavenly life--perfect wholeness. This brings peace and comfort to my aching soul.
We were at an outlet mall today. It took everything inside of me to NOT venture into the boys section of the children's clothing stores. I was reminded of being at stores when Malachi was still inpatient. There were many, many cute clothes--size 12m to 3T. I remember specifically being cautious NOT to buy anything because we knew that our time with Malachi would be limited and I did not want to have a closet full of clothes for a baby who was no longer with us.
Emerson and my growing belly remind me of my other babies. I wish they were all here--all four of them. I'm thankful for the miscarriage of Jordan in that I was pregnant with Malachi before she would have been born. God used Malachi and without her death, he would not have made his arrival. However, my heart still aches for her--the baby I never physically met.
Even just the new daily routine is hard to get used to. I have much MUCH less on my plate, but the workload that came with Malachi was doable--with God and my husband, it was doable. I don't have to figure out childcare for Emma when I don't necessarily want to bring her to the hospital or balance my time between hospital and home. I can take Emma to the park or the library or the waterpark without the guilt I once felt for not being with Malachi at the hospital. Now I want to do anything to occupy my time and distract myself from the reality that Malachi is gone.
Emma's verbal reminders. When we get ready in the morning, Emerson still asks if we are going to the hospital to see baby Chi. "No sweets, baby Chi isn't sick anymore. He doesn't have to live at the hospital. He gets to be in heaven with Jesus." Or when we pray for our meals, "Jesus, thank you for my food; pray that baby chi gets better. In Jesus name, Amen." No sweety, baby Chi is ALL better."
A few of the many reminders throughout my day.
Marissa, I can't imagine all the emotions your family must be feeling. You are a witness to all of us who come here, to GOD'S goodness and might. We love you and are praying for you guys each day
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that your sweet boy isn't here for you to touch everyday......... The transition must be so hard, not seeing his cute little face. Hopeing that God is wrapping you in his loving arms and giving you the peace that can only come from him.
ReplyDeletekeeping u in my thoughts allwasy hope emma will soon relise in time chi is all better and is watching over her nto still in the hospital xxxx
ReplyDeletelove you, marissa.
ReplyDeleteBIG HUGS!
ReplyDeleteThose little reminders may never go away, but will hopefully bring a bigger smile to your face in time as you remember Chi. He is still a big part of your family and a great intercessor. Many hugs and prayers to you.
ReplyDelete