hives with a side of humble pie

One of the things I hate about my sin nature is that it makes me completely egocentric--solely focused on myself.  Throughout our time spent in the hospital with Malachi, at times I felt complete dependence on our Lord for strength.  My supply was completely depleted as soon as they whisked him out of the delivery room struggling for each breath. I am so thankful that God provided strength and clarity of thought in abundance from the very beginning.  Unfortunately, I can't say that I permanently learned from that experience that I could fully trust Him--for everything, including strength. 

I had never gotten hives before we were beginning the process of bringing Malachi HOME.  There was so much training and check-offs that needed to be completed so that we could provide for Malachi's medical needs at home.  Our dining room would quickly turn into an ICU--ventilator and monitors included. I started leaning on self. You know, "I can do all things through Marissa who gives me strength..."

Scripture is very clear on this matter:
    Thus says the LORD: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD...
    "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD."

 (Jeremiah 17:5, 7 ESV)

Well, recently, I once again noticed these itching, agitating little bumps over my arms--the same place as before. It made me hurt.  Instead of reflecting on the many joys and miracles we saw at the hospital, I became bitter with nurses that failed in my book to properly do their job.  I started getting angry with God for taking my son away.  It became hard for me to look at Jackson because he's physically getting to the same point that Malachi was when he died--the clothes, certain looks, etc.  I was getting nowhere except depressed.

I was stressed. Clearly, these stupid hives were a physical manifestation of all this pent up emotion and, well, stress.  I knew I was in the wrong.  I was placing my trust, once again, in self.  I asked for forgiveness. God, faithful to His word, was quick to forgive and I was made new.  John could testify to the difference in me from Friday even to Saturday--nothing short of a miracle! 

God has not changed.  Malachi is in the radiance of His glory.  I can grieve--it would be foolish to say I didn't need to our couldn't--but, I can grieve while reflecting hope and the glory of my Savior.  God's Word will come to pass.  The moment it was spoken/written it was sure to come to fruition.  I have been renewed, yet one day I will be completely sanctified.

    "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I [am learning] in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I [am learning] the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through HIM who strengthens me. "

(Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)