Monday, June 20, 2011

father's day

so many things i have wanted to sit down and write about or even just document for the sake of documenting.  then days like today happen and everything else just doesn't seem near as important.  days like today happen and the grief just hits all over again.  unfortunately, the negative posts seem to take precedence over the good ones.  really, not all days are like this.  really, we do laugh and play and try to not feel guilty about it.  but really, the loss of Malachi is still a very real thing.  so much so that if Emma sees me crying, her immediate response is "Mama, you miss Malachi?"  I'm thankful, however, that the tears are no longer constant.

i was prepared for mother's day. 
i was prepared for the week of Chi's first homegoing anniversary. 
apparently, i was not prepared for father's day.

we got off to a late start this morning.  i hate being rushed for church.  heading to church in a horrible mood and slightly upset with your husband for doing nothing wrong is clearly not God-honoring.  the stage was not set well.  i was not prepared. 

honestly, i don't really remember what we were learning about in sunday school.  i know the topic was spiritual gifts and i suppose i took away the most important point (all spiritual gifts are given by God)... the details, however, are fuzzy.  my heart hurt.  as i sat in class, it physically ached.  i still attempted to act "fine."

we made our way into the auditorium and found some seats toward the back as the kids choir was singing.  they were singing a song from a CD we listen to with Emma and i was trying to listen to her and see what words she remembered.  the choir shifted places a little bit and another familiar tune from that CD began to play.  A song about peace.  A song about peace that we would frequently listen to when Malachi was in the hospital.  all of a sudden, i am holding back the sobs. don't cry.  don't cry.  "Mama, do you miss Malachi?"

Malachi.  Another father's day spent without Malachi.  one of the pastors begins to pray.  he mentions something about those who have lost loved ones.  he was actually only referring to those who have lost their fathers this year, but i was thinking about our little boy. my heart ached--not just for me, but for john too. it got to be too much and we had to leave. 

then i was reminded of father's day last year. i was also at that moment thankful that our parent/baby dedication had already been postponed until next weekend so i wouldn't feel obligated to stand in front of the church all red-eyed and puffy-lipped pretending to be fine. 

maybe mothers day is easier to handle for me because i had my baby then.  not only was Chi alive, but he was HOME with US.  i distinctly remember being up with him at 4 am (john took the midnight-4a shift so i could sleep) and starting his feeding pump and cleaning/refilling medicine syringes.  i remember feeling JOY at that moment.  just raw thankfulness that malachi was under our roof.  Two-year-old emma had spent the night with john's parents the night before.  when they dropped her off the next morning, she literally did a somersault through the front door and stood up announcing "happy mother's day".  i'm thankful that God gave us a good day that day. 

instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of the day, i think i will end with that happy recollection of mother's day 2010.  i don't think i even blogged about it then, so it's truly a miracle that moments of that day have even stayed with me through the last year.   i am also thankful that i was able to be in a decently good mood after our rough morning while visiting with family and while i called to wish my dad a happy father's day.


  1. Marissa,
    I have no words. My heart hurts for you. I will pray especially hard for you tonight. I sit here and think about your Sunday school lesson on spiritual gifts, and I wonder if you know what a gift you are. Evangelism is a powerful spiritual gift, and for almost a year and a half I have seen God's glory shine through you. Even in times of hurt and sorrow. Even when it seemed you questioned yourself. God's light was always there. I'm positive, that your story and sweet Malachi's story won't be forgotten, but what I think people will remember is that you brought an angel into the world, that you were and are a great mother, and that you walked through it glorifying God with such grace. Today may feel like a loss, but tomorrow will be a victory.

  2. Sometimes, these days smack us from out of nowhere. You are NOT alone in feeling this. I am glad you were able to soften your heavy heart with a peaceful memory. HUGS~

  3. It is so hard to have such strong emotions surface at unexpected times, but take comfort in the grief you have is from so much love that you gave and continue to give. It doesn't make it easier, and doesn't seem fair, but know you are loved as well.