5 months ago...

...we said goodbye to our baby boy. Selfishly, I still want him back. Malachi never made things easy for this mama, but most goodbyes are rarely easy.  It's hard for me to see that I'm a completely different person than I was one year ago--mostly, because change has come on little by little with each passing day.  I have been challenged and I most certainly have been stretched. I can only imagine that I'm different now. 

I am thankful that I can look back on the last year without regret.  Okay, obviously there are things I wish I could change about what I said or did or decisions that had to be made, but I am definitely at peace and thankful that I am not currently plagued with guilt when it comes to anything surrounding Malachi. 

I have found it much more difficult in the months following Malachi's passing than I did when we were struggling alongside him at the hospital.  At the hospital, I could literally feel the prayers of other believers being lifted up and God answering those prayers with strength and clarity of thought for John and myself. It seems that the "real" testing of my faith has come in the last five months. Since our goodbyes, God's presence just hasn't felt so apparent. I say that my faith has been tested because I am forced to trust in God's Word and His promises.  No matter how "alone" I feel, I know that my God is very real, very alive, and an ever-present help in times of trouble (Ps 46:1).

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.
Psalm 119:50

May Your unfailing love be my comfort...
Psalm 119:76

So please, if you are a believer, pray for us this week especially. Our heartache is great and we are weak in and of ourselves. The pain is still very real and a part of our family is missing.  Thank you.