pondering these things

Where to begin…

  

God has most certainly been at work in my life.  Day by day my heart and my soul are being renewed.  With renewal, with growth...there’s pain.  I’m learning that in my pain, that’s where I see God most clearly.  My prayer is to truly be able to see my brokenness as the gift that it actually is.

So be patient with me.  I want to be “real” through this journey.  I want to continue the transparency I felt convicted to uphold during Malachi’s life, yet I fear I have failed to hold myself to that same standard in his death and in our loss. But in order to succeed in this, I need to be “okay” with my posts not being perfect.  They might be inconsistent or incoherent, but I need to be digesting these lessons. 

I wish I had a better record of the “darker days” following Malachi’s death—to be able to look back and see where I was and even be able to comfort another in their dark times.  But I can’t go back, and frankly I don’t want to go back.  There is a reason I don’t have a written record, and I need to be okay with that.  Because I am God’s, I can rest in the fact that all things will be used for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28-29) and that God will make, everything, including myself, beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).  For now, I’ll settle for growth.