Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Learning through grief

excerpted from journal entry 3/2...

God has definitely been at work in my life and constantly teaching me things that I very much feel like I'm not ready to learn--but if I'm truly depending on God to bring glory to Himself through all this then I need to trust Him in His timing too.

So here's what I've been learning:
*John 9:3 man born blind so God could heal and be glorified in the healing. (Malachi not physically healed, maybe greater glory is God healing grieving parents.

*I am believing this lie: If I can't feel the pain, then I'm letting go of my baby.

*In believing the above lie, I am intentionally rejecting the healing God has designed for my life.

*The aforementioned pain hurts and it's awful and ridiculous, but it's familiar.

*I tend to fear the unknown--even if it is something good/positive.

*I am thankful that God has allowed me to see this connection without causing me to experience a crippling depression.

*It is prideful for me to keep this struggle to myself.  God showed me from the beginning that I needed to be transparent with all this.

*I am thankful for friends-far and away-willing to lend a listening ear, share an encouraging word, and just cry with me.

*God wants His best for me, and I'm settling for the pain as my "good."

*Two steps forward and one step back... still overall progress.

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