excerpted from journal entry 3/2...
God has definitely been at work in my life and constantly teaching me things that I very much feel like I'm not ready to learn--but if I'm truly depending on God to bring glory to Himself through all this then I need to trust Him in His timing too.
So here's what I've been learning:
*John 9:3 man born blind so God could heal and be glorified in the healing. (Malachi not physically healed, maybe greater glory is God healing grieving parents.
*I am believing this lie: If I can't feel the pain, then I'm letting go of my baby.
*In believing the above lie, I am intentionally rejecting the healing God has designed for my life.
*The aforementioned pain hurts and it's awful and ridiculous, but it's familiar.
*I tend to fear the unknown--even if it is something good/positive.
*I am thankful that God has allowed me to see this connection without causing me to experience a crippling depression.
*It is prideful for me to keep this struggle to myself. God showed me from the beginning that I needed to be transparent with all this.
*I am thankful for friends-far and away-willing to lend a listening ear, share an encouraging word, and just cry with me.
*God wants His best for me, and I'm settling for the pain as my "good."
*Two steps forward and one step back... still overall progress.