So for whatever reason, the 25th of this month has been harder than the 25th's of the last few months. For the first time since Malachi was in the hospital, I've broken out into hives. HIVES, people! When I say my heart aches to be with Malachi, what I really mean is that my whole body longs to be with him in heaven. I mean I could tell that I was getting stressed (the closer and closer we get to the 1-year mark and the more and more Jackson gets closer to the size/age Malachi was when he died) but I didn't think I would be here again.
I really need to go back through and pull out all the blessings we received through Malachi's life so that I have a tangible list to reflect on and praise God for. Right now, I'm struggling as I seem to only remember the bad experiences. A fleeting thought went through my head today as I was scratching my hive-ridden forearms that this has been the worst year and a half of my life... the Holy Spirit quickly reminded me that was a lie.
It hasn't been the worst couple years of my life, just the hardest---and yes, there's a difference.
A few things helped throughout the day... I wore John's sweatshirt and found that comforting; we picked up some silk flowers and took them to Malachi's headstone--weird, but comforting; took a break from working on the house and just spent time together as a family--much needed; rocked a fussy baby to sleep, resulted in more hives but also thankfulness.
Overall... a weird day.