So for whatever reason, the 25th of this month has been harder than the 25th's of the last few months. For the first time since Malachi was in the hospital, I've broken out into hives. HIVES, people! When I say my heart aches to be with Malachi, what I really mean is that my whole body longs to be with him in heaven. I mean I could tell that I was getting stressed (the closer and closer we get to the 1-year mark and the more and more Jackson gets closer to the size/age Malachi was when he died) but I didn't think I would be here again.
I really need to go back through and pull out all the blessings we received through Malachi's life so that I have a tangible list to reflect on and praise God for. Right now, I'm struggling as I seem to only remember the bad experiences. A fleeting thought went through my head today as I was scratching my hive-ridden forearms that this has been the worst year and a half of my life... the Holy Spirit quickly reminded me that was a lie.
It hasn't been the worst couple years of my life, just the hardest---and yes, there's a difference.
A few things helped throughout the day... I wore John's sweatshirt and found that comforting; we picked up some silk flowers and took them to Malachi's headstone--weird, but comforting; took a break from working on the house and just spent time together as a family--much needed; rocked a fussy baby to sleep, resulted in more hives but also thankfulness.
Overall... a weird day.
My heart aches for you...truly aches. I really appreciated the blog you posted awhile back from someone else about really trying to imagine what they are going through. I think the reason most people don't and just say, "I can't imagine" is because they don't want to imagine." I think that what it means to mourn with those who mourn.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your heart. I'll be praying for you.
Sending prayers and hugs of comfort. There is no right answer and I smile, shake my head, and tear up seeing you experience a lot of what we have and are on this journey. I know you are strong and firm in your faith to realize that you may have had a hard year but a year full of love, spiritual growth, and experiences you may have never thought possible. Hugs to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteI guess it is silly of me to think that time heals all wounds, how could it in a case like this? I'm sorry it's not getting any easier. I'll be praying that the good memories come to mind more often and that remembering Chi can be a joy.
ReplyDeleteHope you know that on the 25th and every day there are so many of us - many you don't even know - praying for you and your family... praying and recommending some benedryl cream. :)
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