at the store

.... OH!  I gotta get me one-a these!

A year.

Some reflections posted over on Malachi's site here.

A Year.

A year ago tomorrow was when we buried our son.  (Read the funeral message by clicking here.) May 25th, however, marked the anniversary of our goodbyes.  Knowing Malachi was going to die young due to his medical issues, I am realizing that I was blessed to be able to hold him as he took his last breath and entered the presence of our Savior.  I am thankful that the last few minutes of his life don't haunt me.  I am thankful for a husband to share the ups and downs that have ensued since Malachi was born.  I am thankful for a God who has continually shown Himself faithful--even when I waiver.  I am thankful for the assurance from God's Word that we will one day be reunited with our son.

Until then, I am thankful that we have a place to go remember him.  I am thankful that Spring brings reminders of new life.  I am thankful that cemeteries are usually well-kept surrounding Memorial Day Weekend.  I am thankful for the seven months we shared with our son--knowing full well that there is no earthly reason for him to have survived Day 1.

I was hoping to get this sweet sentimental picture of Emma releasing a balloon in memory of Malachi.  Unfortunately, she was quick to UNTIE the balloon from her wrist and let it go immediately upon our arrival.  I tried my best to chase it down, but it was windy and--let's face it--I'm out of shape.  This is the best one I got.

I love that getting John and Jackson in the background of this picture was by complete accident on my part.  I wasn't even looking through the viewfinder while taking the pic.

Malachi has the coolest headstone around, hands down...

A view from his grave...

store branding

John and Emma were on a "date".

John: Emma, while we are out, we need to stop at Lowes.
Emma: yeah, let's build something together.

#15

I am Mommy to another CHARGE child, Gannon who is 2 years old.  He's had some significant struggles in his short lifetime.  Because of Malachi, every triumph is even more sweeter than I appreciated with my other children.  And after seeing what a fighter Malachi was and the short life that he led, my baby's milestones are cherished even more.  Just to have Gannon here on earth with us is an accomplishment.  To know that Malachi isn't able to be here with us everyday makes me cherish each waking morning with my baby even more too.  I am more thankful to have what John and Marissa weren't able to have with a CHARGE baby.  Part of me feels like I owe it to them and Malachi to be more gracious for the joys I have with Gannon including just having him around, even though our days are not always at home; instead, spending them very ill at the hospital.  Amazingly, through the dark days, you can still find the good.  So, Malachi, thank you for the part you played in making me realize how even more special our lives are.  You will never be forgotten by me.

Sara

Age 32, Indianapolis, IN

Thanks Sara!  

Here's a pic from a couple of months ago when I went to visit Mr. Gannon...

Little Man; Big Impact

Most of this is a repost from last summer, but here we are a year later.  Many people have already been very encouraging to us as we begin today--the One Year Anniversary of saying our temporary good-byes to Malachi.  If anyone is willing, we would love to hear any and all ways that you were impacted by Malachi's life and death.  Please read on if interested.  (Sidenote: If you do send us your "Little Man; Big Impact" story, please don't refer to Malachi as our angel.  He's not an angel.  He is a man, like God created him to be--THANKS!)

Okay, friends and strangers alike who have followed us for the last seven months of our lives. I need your help and I need your input. John and I know in our hearts that Malachi's life, death, and eternal life were "worth it," but we would also like to know with our minds the tangible ways in which that played out. Here's where you come in.

If our journey has impacted or influenced you in ANY way, please e-mail me at marissasharbaugh(at)gmail(dot)com with the subject heading "Malachi". It doesn't matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you, to us it will mean everything. Really, it can be anything!

Also, please note in your e-mail if it would be okay for me to use your story either on this blog or in scrapbooks that I plan to make in memory of our little man. If they are used in either of these ways and names are mentioned, I will change them out of respect to your privacy. Again, these will only be used with your permission. So just let us know!

Thank you in advance. I look forward to hearing and sharing with you how our son's short time here on earth made a great impact on eternity.

**Edited to add**
Also, if you are okay with me using your story, please include your age and state where you live if that's alright! Thank you so much!

backseat infomercial

From the backseat...

Emma:  Mom, where are we going?
Mama: To the store.
Emma: To the grocery store?
Mama:  Yep.
Emma: Why?
Mama: So we can get groceries and pick up some baby food for your brother.
Emma:  Oh.... so we can just get some carrots and a baby bullet?
Mama: What?
Emma:  Yeah, then you just kinda cut 'em and then put 'em in the thing... and you just turn the head! Baby food!

frugal ways #1 (amazon moms)

We order our diapers through the Subscribe & Save program with Amazon Mom.  We get size 3 Luvs for under 12 cents a dipe AND they are shipped for free!  I don't know about you, but with little ones around its much easier to shop online than lugging them around from store to store looking for gifts.  So I generally default to amazon.com.  My favorite part of Amazon Moms is that it automatically gives me a year of free membership into Amazon prime (aka free 2-day shipping!!!).  Anywho, just thought I would share the details.  Also, I just added an amazon search engine to my site.  If  you buy something after using that link, I get a small percentage from amazon for your order--if that makes sense.  I'm mostly just using it for my own purchases, but if you're going to order from there anyways--keep me in mind!

From the website:
Subscribe & Save benefits:
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Parenting: What's Important.

It's so easy to get caught up in the latest trends and theories and impose all of this ridiculous guilt on yourself as a parent.  This article was extremely refreshing and gave me a renewed sense of purpose and ambition as a parent--especially with little ones. Everything we do (as a parent or not) quickly amounts to nothing if it's not done in love.   The following in its entirety is a repost from Pastor Kevin DeYoung found here on The Gospel Coalition blog. Enjoy.

Does it seem like parenting has gotten more complicated? I mean, as far as I can tell, back in the day parents basically tried to feed their kids, clothe them, and keep them away from explosives. Now our kids have to sleep on their backs (no wait, their tummies; no never mind, their backs), while listening to Baby Mozart surrounded by scenes of Starry, Starry Night. They have to be in piano lessons before they are five and can’t leave the car seat until they’re about five foot six.

It’s all so involved. There are so many rules and expectations. Kids can’t even eat sugar anymore. My parents were solid as a rock but we still had a cupboard populated with cereal royalty like Captain Crunch and Count Chocula. In our house the pebbles were fruity and the charms were lucky. The breakfast bowl was a place for marshmallows, not dried camping fruit. Our milk was 2%. And sometimes, if we needed to take the edge off a rough morning, we’d tempt fate and chug a little Vitamin D.

Trial by Error
I don’t consider myself a particularly good parent. I was asked to speak a few years ago at some church’s conference. They wanted me to talk about parenting. I said I didn’t have much to say so they should ask someone else (which they did). My kids are probably not as crazy as they seem to me (at least that’s what I keep telling myself anyway), but if I ever write a book on parenting I’m going to call it The Inmates Are Running the Asylum.

There are already scores of books on parenting, many of them quite good. I’ve read several of them and have learned much. I really do believe in gospel-powered parenting and shepherding my child’s heart. I want conversations like this:
Me: What’s the matter son?
Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!
Me: Why do you want the toy?
Child: Because it will be fun to play with.
Me: Do you think he is having fun playing with the toy right now?
Child: Yes.
Me: Would it make him sad to take the toy away?
Child: I guess so.
Me: And do you like to make your brother sad?
Child: No.
Me: You know, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. That means loving your brother the way he would want to be loved. Since Jesus loves us so much, we have every reason to love others–even your brother. Would you like to love him by letting him play with the toy for awhile?
Child: Yes I would daddy.

I try that. Really I do. But here’s what actually happens:
Me: What’s the matter son?
Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!
Me: Why do you want the toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What’s going on in your heart when you desire that toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Think about it son. Use your brain. Don’t you know something?
Child: I guess I just want the toy.
Me: Obviously. But why?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Fine. [Mental note: abandon "why" questions and skip straight to leading questions.] Do you think he is having fun playing with the toy right now?
Child: No.
Me: Really?! He’s not having fun? Then why does he want that toy in the first place?
Child: Because he’s mean.
Me: Have you ever considered that maybe you are being mean by trying to rip the toy from his quivering little hands?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What do you know?
Child: I don’t know!
Me: Nevermind. [I wonder how my brilliant child can know absolutely nothing at this moment.] Well, I think taking the toy from him will make your brother sad. Do you like to make him sad?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: [Audible sigh.]
Child: He makes me sad all the time!
Me: Well, I’m getting sad right now with your attitude! [Pause, think, what would Paul Tripp do?  Thinking . . . .thinking . . . .man, I can't stop thinking of that mustache. This isn't working. Let's just go right to the Jesus part.] You know, Jesus wants us to love each other.
Child: I don’t know.
Me: I didn’t ask you a question!
Child: [Pause.] Can I have some fruit snacks?
Me: No, you can’t have fruit snacks. We are talking about the gospel. Jesus loves us and died for us. He wants you to love your brother too.
Child: So?
Me: So give him the toy back!
Then I lunge for the toy and the child runs away. I tell him to come back here this instant and threaten to throw the toy in the trash. I recommit myself to turning down speaking engagements on parenting.

Growing What You Can
I want to grow as a parent–in patience and wisdom and consistency. But I also know that I can’t change my kids’ hearts. I am responsible for my heart and must be responsible to teach them the way of the Lord. But nothin’ guarantees nothin’. I’m just trying to be faithful, and then repent for all the times I’m not.

I have four kids and besides the Lord’s grace, I’m banking on the fact that there really are just a few non-negotiables in parenting. There are plenty of ways to screw up our kids, but whether they color during church, for example, is not one of them. There is not a straight line from doodling in the service as a toddler to doing meth as a teenager. Could it be that beyond the basics of godly parenting, that most of the other techniques and convictions are nibbling around the edges? Certainly, there are lots of ways that good parents make parenting a saner, more enjoyable experience, but even the kid addicted to Angry Birds who just downed a pack of Fun Dip and is now watching his third Pixar movie of the week (day?) still has a decent shot at not being a sociopath.

I remember years ago hearing a line from Alistair Begg, quoting another man, that went like this: “When I was young I had six theories and no kids. Now I have six kids and no theories.” I must be smart. It only took me four kids to run out of theories.

Getting a Few Things Right
I look back at my childhood and think, “What did my parents do right?” I watched too many Growing Pains reruns and played a lot of Super Techmo Bowl (LT could block every extra point and Christian Okoye was a stud). I never learned to like granola or my vegetables (kids, stop reading this post immediately!). But yet, I always knew they loved me. They made me go to church every Wednesday and twice on every Sunday. They made us do our homework. They laid down obvious rules–the kinds that keep kids from killing each other. They wouldn’t accept any bad language, and I didn’t hear any from them. Mom took care of us when we were sick. Dad told us he loved us. I never found porn around the house or booze or dirty secrets. We read the Bible. We got in trouble when we broke the rules. I don’t remember a lot of powerful heart-to-heart conversations. But we knew who we were, where we stood, and what to expect. I’d be thrilled to give my kids the same.

I worry that many young parents are a) too adamant about the particulars of their parenting or b) too sure that every decision will set their kids on an unalterable trajectory to heaven or hell. It’s like my secretary at the church once told me: “Most moms and dads think they are either the best or the worst parents in the world, and both are wrong.” Could it be we’ve made parenting too complicated? Isn’t the most important thing not what we do but who we are as parents? They will see our character before they remember our exact rules regarding television and twinkies.

I could be wrong. My kids are still young. Maybe this no-theory is a theory of its own. I just know that the longer I parent the more I want to focus on doing a few things really well, and not get too passionate about all the rest. I want to spend time with my kids, teach them the Bible, take them to church, laugh with them, cry with them, discipline them when they disobey, say sorry when I mess up, and pray like crazy. I want them to look back and think, “I’m not sure what my parents were doing or if they even knew what they were doing. But I always knew my parents loved me and I knew they loved Jesus.” Maybe it’s not that complicated after all.

K-Love Contest Entry

How to put this into 250 words...

My faith was made real October 27, 2009. That was the day our Malachi made his debut into this world and wasn’t breathing. He was quickly taken to NICU. Due to complications of my own, my husband not only witnessed our son being whisked away, but he was left with frenzied medical staff wondering if he’d lose his wife and newborn son in the same day.  

The ensuing days consisted of team after team of doctors bringing more and more news of further medical abnormalities regarding our son (CHARGE syndrome).  Nearly every major system was affected, but the most pressing issues included his heart and airway.  He underwent major airway surgery on day three.  After a 12-day recovery, he underwent open heart surgery.

Throughout Malachi’s hospitalization, I meditated on the fact that God is Good, Faithful, and True.  My faith was made real each day as I experienced peace that can only come from God—that which passes ALL understanding.  After watching Malachi fight for his life every day for seven months, we buried our little boy.  May 25th will mark one year without him in our lives. 

We often admit that our strength was depleted the minute we saw Malachi struggling for his first breath. From then on, our strength has come from God alone.  On day two, I wrote: We are really excited to see “What is Malachi going to be able to do for God and His glory?” God has used our little man for His glory.

The Shelter of God's Promises (Sheila Walsh) [Review]

Using 10 biblical promises as her foundation, Sheila Walsh walks through God's Word in a practical way to help the reader find strength in God Himself--especially during times of trial, hardship, or weakness.  She uses personal testimony as well as the stories of others to display God’s faithfulness to His word—His promises for those who trust in Him.

I found this book to be a great read and challenging in a profitable way.  I was especially thankful for the chapter concerning that of ‘Hope’.  The follow excerpts should give you a taste of the richness within this book…

“God doesn’t want us to pretend our faith…He calls us to live with questions draped in assurance”

“There is a comfort that only the One who has walked through the night into the morning can bring that comfort to another still in the darkness.”

“God’s promises are so much greater than our feelings.  They ar sound and sure, the stuff to nail your heart to in the worst travails of life.”

Needless to say, with all we’ve been through with Malachi, this chapter on HOPE was certainly a blessing to my life and a great reminder of God’s bigger plan through all of this.

BookSneeze® has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book

dentist

Emma was excited for the new Ariel toothbrush and kid's crest toothpaste she received from her visit to the dentist the other day.  After brushing her teeth and hopping in to bed, she gave daddy a goodnight kiss on the cheek and asked if her kiss was sparkly and melty  (minty)

When God Created My Toes [Review]

About This Book (from publisher's website)

When God created my toes, did he make them wiggle? Did he know I’d giggle?
Did he have to hold his nose, when God created my toes?

This charming picture book allows your child to imagine what it was like when God created them. From the top of their heads to the tips of their toes they will explore and understand God’s delight in creating them.

Through rhyming lines and vivid illustrations children will gain confidence and self-esteem when they begin to fully realize how perfectly, intricately, and uniquely God created them.

My Thoughts

This is the first children's book that I have reviewed for Waterbrook Multnomah and I have to say I was sorely disappointed. I guess I was just confused.  Yes, the lines were rhyming and the illustrations were well done, but as far as content and theology--it was just off.  The phrases rhymed, but things like God creating knees and everyone singing ABCs seemed kind of forced.  Overall, the content just doesn't really seem to fit any consistent pattern throughout the book as a whole.  

Even my three-year-old was confused:

On a good note, the art of the illustrations was well done and enjoyable.  The style of the pictures were great.  Unfortunately, some of the pictures showed the little girl getting into all sorts of trouble.  John and I decided that we would rather NOT have to explain to our daughter that this girl was being bad and we aren't supposed to sneak behind our daddy and surprise him so that he spills his coffee or that we don't put paint all over our hands and make messes on the walls and furniture...

(notice the mom pulling her hair out in the bottom righthand side)

Maybe the next kid's book will be better??

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review

If you'd be so kind to rank some of my reviews it would be greatly appreciated! You will now have to enter a valid email address and confirm the validity of that address by clicking on a link sent to you via email. The email validating process will only need to be done the FIRST time. Hope that makes sense! Thanks!

what are you waiting for?


The chasm


Shattered Dreams


The Goodness of God


If God is Good

so forgiving

If Daddy breaks some of my toys... (dramatic pause)... I will still love him.

6 months already!

its going by way too quickly!

weary mom, be encouraged

This is a complete repost entitled "The Shame of Fatigue" from a blog I follow called Raising Homemakers... be encouraged.

My mom had a sinus infection and I had finally convinced her to go to bed and leave the housework to me, my dad was at work, and my five youngest siblings -all six and under -seemed to be bent on trying my patience. I had a list of things I wanted to do as long as my arm -I had two tests to study for, lesson plans to write up, papers to grade, a novel to edit. I promised myself I’d get some work done once they settled down for nap, but, by the time they did, my mind felt like it was made of mush.

And I was almost guilty for being tired.

I mean, I’m living the life I’ve chosen: I love my little brothers and sister -their smiles brighten up my day. I love the responsibility of cooking, cleaning, and laundry -no, I’m not Snow White, but I like the feeling of a well-ordered home. I love being an English tutor, and I love getting my English B.A. via distance learning.

I love being a home-girl.

But because the way I’ve ordered my life is counter-intuitive to most Americans, those days when I’m tired, overwhelmed, or even a tad bit frustrated seem almost to condemn me.

Why is that so?

Why, if I was pulling a full course load at Columbia while simultaneously interning for a renowned publishing house would it be all right for me to come home at night bushed and proud of it… but when my brothers test my patience, it’s seen as proof that I should have been doing something else with my life?

Why, if I were a renowned fiction-writer headed to a book signing while squawking to my publicist on my cellphone and trying to hear my latest interview on the radio would I feel a bit hectic… but when I’m a little frazzled with the multi-tasking with household chores do I feel the need to hide it under a fake smile?

Why do we feel that it’s okay to be tired only if we’re dressed in a power suit?

I don’t anymore, actually. When I get tired, when I get discouraged, when I get overwhelmed… I admit it. I try not to wallow in a pity puddle, but I also try not to be a Stepford Wife in training. I go to the foot of the cross and I heave a sigh of relief:

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. ~Galatians 6:9

As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. ~2 Thessalonians 3:13

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. ~1 Corinthians 15:58

When we’re following the paths that the Lord has set before us… we’ll get tired. We’ll get frustrated. We’ll grow weary. If it were not so, Paul would not have warned us at least three times in the Scriptures to remember that our labor is not in vain -
There would be no need to be warned to remember if we weren’t so prone to forget.

All women grow weary -in every sphere of society, whether we spend our days shaking hands with diplomats or scrubbing floors, whether we get to talk to famous TV show hosts or try to decipher the slurs of a toddler… the fact that we grow weary while following the Lord’s will for our lives at home is not indicative of the fact that we’ve made the wrong choice, or are not living our dreams… it’s indicative of the fact that we’re human, and need to walk whatever paths that lie before us in Christ’s strength, and not our own:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

just quickly

I'll write more later regarding my Mother's Day Weekend.  Very bittersweet.  But so very thankful to have the answered prayer of a non-traditionaly "mother's day sermon".  I was blessed, instead, with the encouragement of a sermon regarding the advancement of the gospel through suffering.  How absolutely-stinkin' perfect! 

Again, I'll add more later!

Going out of business

I was still Holding Jackson after I had finished feeding him. Emma climbed on my lap too and said "why did you close up shop?"

Vacation and Easter Pics

Too lazy to post to the blog and provide captions...

this link should work though: 

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.509634178360.2006993.149900012&l=7db2aa6152

 

For those of you who are Christians.  Please keep us in your prayers this month especially.  John's doing his best and God is giving him strength to be extra strong for the both of us.  I'm finding it hard to keep things together.  It's very much a daily battle--DAILY BATTLE-- to acknowledge and persevere in God's goodness, faithfulness, and truth.

My personal response these days (to a whiny toddler, a baby who thinks it's best to fight sleep rather than just giving in and falling asleep, and mix in relatively fresh grief and the upcoming anniversary of Malachi passing from my arms into Christ's) is to just want to quit.  To give up.  Start over May 26th.  

 

Quitting, however, will not bring God any glory.  Quitting will be grieving like the world grieves.  I must press on.  I'm not even at the point where I can go day by day--at the most it's moment by moment.  Even then, I waver. 

We are talking about developing godly character within our lives in youth group right now.  Talk about convicting.  In our small groups, we broke down even further into guys/girls.  I was thankful for the time spent with three of our teen girls.  Sharing struggles.  Praying.  Encouraging one another in godly character.  I asked them, and I will ask you, to pray for me in the area of isolation and anger. 

I find myself wanting to be angry with God for taking my son away from me.  This anger leads to all sorts of sin--impatience, bitterness, lack of self control, fear, worry, etc. etc.  God did not take my son away from me.  God brought Malachi home to be with Him--safe, healthy, protected from our sin-cursed world.  I also tend to want to just stay secluded.  I don't want to be at church or in large groups.  I want to hide.  I don't want people to see me hurting.  I don't want to put on a facade that life is easy.  But it's that very community that keeps me accountable.  It keeps my mind in check.  It helps me not think my own way is right and it keeps me from justifying my sin (anger, bitterness, etc.) 

We were also encouraged to memorize verses that will help with these areas of struggle.  A big one for me is Proverbs 18:1...

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire;
   he breaks out against all sound judgment.

 

My desire with this blog is to be real.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Humble enough to ask for prayer and admit when I am weak.  My God is not a crutch.  He is an everlasting Rock.  A stronghold.  My comfort and my peace.  My prayer is that He would be yours, too.

A little ranking help

So the blogging for books program that I am a part of is redoing how they rank reviews and all that. Now instead of everyone being first come first serve (as far as picking new titles to receive copies for review) the books you are able to request is related to your review rankings. If you'd be so kind to rank some of my reviews it would be greatly appreciated! You will now have to enter a valid email address and confirm the validity of that address by clicking on a link sent to you via email. The email validating process will only need to be done the FIRST time. Hope that makes sense! Thanks!

what are you waiting for?


The chasm


Shattered Dreams


The Goodness of God


If God is Good

What Are You Waiting For? [Review]

What Are You Waiting For? 
{The one thing no one ever tells you about sex}
By Dannah Gresh

Um. In a word... great!  As a youth group sponsor, I figured this would be a good read as many teens are struggling with this whole arena of sexual identity, purity, modesty and it'd be nice to have some biblically-based information on hand and ready to reference if the situation ever came up.  And, frankly, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit curious myself to see what God's Word really has to say about this "taboo-in-Christian-circles" topic regarding sex. In the sex-saturated world we live, I think it's appropriate not only for Christians to be able to talk about sex, but more importantly to be witnesses to the world around us that God has designed and uses sex to parallel an intimate relationship of Christ and the church.  By completely avoiding the conversation, God's design is not only being lost on those around us who don't serve Christ, but God's perfect design is being lost within His church.  How much hurt, sadness, betrayal, and guilt could be saved if sex was reserved for it's designed place--within marriage!

I found the book to be a very approachable easy read.  Due to the nature of the content, I would definitely recommend waiting until high school level maturity for girls to read this, but find it necessary if beginning ANY sort of relationship with the opposite sex.  I appreciate Dannah's bluntness and boldness when it comes to sharing God's Word.  And I will never view the phrase "yada, yada, yada" the same again.  (You'll understand if you read the book!)


Read the first chapter here.

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review

p.s. I REALLY hope I don't get a ton of spam comments and what not due to the nature of this post!

Delusions of grandeur

Pulling up next to a farm...

Mama, at our next house, can we have a garden like THAT!?!?