Grieving the holidays

Funny story. I was just about to publish a similar post two minutes ago and my app froze and I lost it all. More often than not i would just say forget it, but insomnia wins and im back At it. Here's to a fruitful second attempt. Now you just get the cliffs notes version.

Most of the time it feels like I'm more or less enduring the holidays than truly celebrating them. Overanalyzing and apathy and emotions all over the place make it difficult for me to be with large groups. Even if those groups are primarily family and friends. I prefer to be reclusive than perceive myself to be the drag of a party. It takes a lot of energy to hold back tears and pretend like everything is fine.

So Thanksgiving.
When we take time out of our normal routines to be reflective and thankful for that which we've been given, it's easy to remember and dwell on that which has been taken away.
And Christmas.
Also for those of us who have buried a child and are left with empty arms, it's hard to be festive during a holiday commemorating a birth (as miraculous and amazing as Christs birth is, it's difficult).

This year I choosing to be thankful for Psalm 34:18 and the promise that The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He saves those who are crushed in spirit. That's me. God is close to me. If I will choose to draw near to Him (which is an act of grace from Him in itself then He will draw near to me (more grace).

I also am learning that there is a perspective I've been given that not all have received at christmastime. Mary knew the role Jesus would have. How many times did she hold Him and rock Him as a baby praying for another way--just as I had day after day with Malachi in the hospital. Or maybe she didn't know. Maybe there was hope until the end when all other options were exhausted, when there was no other way. It was no surprise to God when Jesus was hanging lifeless on the cross. He ordained it from before the beginning of creation. Just as He ordained the death of my son just before reaching seven months, when the last door of worldly hope was slammed shut. Ordained by God.

I'm not really sure what my intent for this post is. These are just a few of the thoughts I can piece together as I lay here unable to sleep. The rest are spinning too fast for me to grasp and put into words. My heart is heavy as I know I am not alone in this battle; that this grief is shared by many mothers and fathers. I feel like most people are afraid to speak of Malachi or Jordan for fear that it will be hard for me. Yes there may be tears, but its harder for me to believe that he has been forgotten. And that I am expected to be silent about the issue because its hard and awkward and sad for others. Just another reminder to the world that Heaven awaits.