Before the ultrasound, I was completely against the idea of having a boy--you know, because I can control these things. When John and I would start throwing around name ideas, I didn't even want to think about boys names. It just wasn't going to be a boy.
HOWEVER.... the moment we saw that it was so clearly evident that baby #4 is a boy, it just felt right. I thank God for that peace. I think my husband was worried. He, on the other hand, was completely thrilled that he was now 4 for 4 on gender predictions. I know, he's awesome.
I really wish, actually, that I could blame my current mood/funk/rut on that. But I can't. Suffering definitely hurts, but I most certainly am not suffering in a God-honoring way. Right now, I don't pray, I don't praise, I shut down, I get impatient, I am easily frustrated, I raise my voice, I am easily irritated.... the list goes on.
Suffering is a part of life. Up until this point, however, I just haven't had to REALLY stare it down. It's hard. In my head, I know that the ONLY way for me to overcome this with any sense of grace or joy I must lean completely, utterly, whole-heartedly on my Father in heaven. Now if only I could snap my fingers and just make it work that way. Instead, I fight it. I want to just waste my days and "avoid God."
I am thankful that Christ has paid for my sins and removed my guilt so that I am His. Because I am His, He has promised to NEVER leave me or forsake me. Even if I can't "feel" His presence, the Holy Spirit is within me and continues to tug and pull and give me the desire to know God and rest in Him even when nothing seems to make sense. I am thankful for each new day and the chance to start anew--a chance none of us really deserve.