You would have been three...

Malachi,

 It's me.  Your mama.  I miss you.  I go through spurts where I see God truly changing me and making me strong in my faith, and in those moments I am thankful.  I am thankful for the tangible moments of seeing God work in and through your life as well as seeing Him work in and through me in your death.  I wish I could say right now is one of those times.  Right now, I hurt.  I ache.  I long to hold you and take care of you and just love on you because you're my son.  

 Your daddy is pretty awesome.  I'm sure you know that.  I know he hurts.  I know he would have done anything possible to take your pain, even if that meant suffering himself.  He does a great job protecting and providing for his family.  I should thank him more than I do.  He's so strong for me when I'm weak.  He doesn't judge my grief and he goes above and beyond picking up the slack I leave behind during times like this.  

 I was pretty heart broken during the entire month of October.  Sometimes I wish your birthday was at the beginning of the month so that I didn't have the 27th looming over my head all month long.  See, three years ago my life was completely turned on its head.  We were so excited to meet you.  Did you know that we were going to name you Jackson David?  But before you were born, that name just didn't feel right.  Malachi is one of your daddy's favorite old testament prophets and Stephen is daddy's favorite new testament character apart from Jesus.  I am thankful for that gift of grace, even just in settling on your name which means "crowned messenger of God."  

 Sorry, little man.  I think I need to end on that note.  I'm trying to remain faithful and I'm trying to keep it together, but I really miss you.  I hate that you're not a part of our "home family".  Your sister does a great job reminding others about you.  Even though you are not considered a member of her "home family", you are a part of our "whole family."  Your brother recognizes you now.  Even just today he was playing with a card that one of your nurses "helped you make" for Emma's second birthday.  There is a picture of you inside.  He brought it to me and said, "Baby Chi, sleeping."  I'm sorry that you spent most of your days in an awful hospital bed.  What is life like for you now?  I wish I could see.  I'm trying to learn about Heaven, but it's hard for me to wrap my feeble mind around.  I'm starting to get an idea of what our future home on the New Earth will be like, but what is it like where you are NOW?

 Please know you are loved.  You are missed dearly.  Tell your sister, Jordan, hello and that we love her and wish she was here as well.  

 Love, Mama