accidentally

lately, we've had to discuss with emma what it means to do something "on accident".  usually we hear, "Mom, i accidentally opened the front door" (or insert some other action which she knows is wrong).  To which we reply, "no, emma.  actually you really did mean to open the front door.  you did it on purpose."  "Oh, sorry, mom."

well today, she came in to the kitchen while I was getting Jackson's breakfast ready saying, "Mom, I meant to spill my milk."

It took me a while to process, but reassured her that no, she probably spilled her milk on accident.

Soundtrack: Before the Morning {Josh Wilson}

Before the Morning {Josh Wilson}

Do you wonder why you have to 
Feel the things that hurt you 
If there's a God who loves you where is He now 

Maybe there are things you can't see 
And all those things are happening 
To bring a better ending 

Someday somehow you'll see you'll see 

Would you dare would you dare to believe 
That you still have a reason to sing 
Cause the pain that you've been feeling 
It can't compare to the joy that's coming 
So hold on you gotta wait for the light 
Press on and just fight the good fight 
Cause the pain that you've been feeling 
It's just the dark before the morning 

My friend you know how this all ends 
You know where you're going 
You just don't know how you'll get there 
So say a prayer 

And hold on cause there's good for those who loveGod 
But life is not a snapshot 
It might take a little time but you'll see thebigger picture 

Would you dare would you dare to believe 
That you still have a reason to sing 
Cause the pain that you've been feeling 
It can't compare to the joy that's coming 
So hold on you gotta wait for the light 
Press on and just fight the good fight 
Cause the pain that you've been feeling 
It's just the dark before the morning 

Once you feel the weight of glory 
All your pain will fade to memory 
Once you feel the weight of glory 
All your pain will fade to memory, memory, memory 

Would you dare would you dare to believe 
That you still got a reason to sing 
Cause the pain that you've been feeling 
It can't compare to the joy that's coming 

Would you dare would you dare to believe 
That you still got a reason to sing 
Cause the pain that you've been feeling 
It can't compare to the joy that's coming 

Come on you've gotta wait for the light 
Press on and just fight the good fight 
Cause the pain that you've been feeling 
It's just the hurt before the healing 
Oh the pain that you've been feeling 
It's just the dark before the morning 
Before the morning

definitions

mama:  what does expensive mean?
emma:  that we don't get it.

Soundtrack: I Still Believe {Jeremy Camp}

I Still Believe {Jeremy Camp}
Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain 
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

[Chorus:]
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

[Chorus]

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near

Soundtrack: My Desire {Jeremy Camp}

My Desire {Jeremy Camp}

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

All my life I have seen
Where you've take me
Beyond all I have hoped
And there's more left unseen

Soundtrack: Walk by Faith {Jeremy Camp}

Walk by Faith {Jeremy Camp}

Would I believe you when you would say 

Your hand will guide my every way 

Will I receive the words You say 

Every moment of every day 

[chorus]

Well I will walk by faith 

Even when I cannot see 

Well because this broken road 

Prepares Your will for me 

Help me to win my endless fears 

You've been so faithful for all my years 

With one breath You make me new 

Your grace covers all I do 

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya 

[chorus]

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face 

Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace 

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu 

(I will walk by faith) 

Well hallelujah, hallelu 

(I will walk by faith) 

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith 

I will, I will, I will walk by faith

Soundtrack: Healing Hand of God {Jeremy Camp}

Healing Hand of God {Jeremy Camp}
I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain
I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain
So if life's journey has you weary and afraid
There's rest in the shadow of His wings

I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains
I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains
If you feel weight of many trials and burdens from this world
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord

And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God

And I have touched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real
He has walked the road before me, he knows just how I feel
When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain
Just remember all of Jesus's suffering

'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you
He's near to the broken and confused
By His stripes our spirit is renewed
So enter in the joy prepared for you

I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out

The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God

And hold on to what's being held out
(Hold on)
And hold on to what's being held out
(Hold on)
The healing hand of God, oh, oh

1 John 2:15-17

Do not love the world or the things in the world

if anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

For all that is in the world: 

the desires of the flesh,

and the desires of the eyes,

and pride in possessions

is not from the Father, but is from the world

and the world is passing away

along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God

abides forever.

1 John 2:15-17.

Soundtrack: Your Hands {JJ Heller}

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world 
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

Soundtrack: Move {MercyMe}

Move (by MercyMe)

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I wont stop, Ill keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus]
When life wont play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I cant seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I wont let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

Ive got to hold 'er steady
Keep my head in the cage
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days 

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus]

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat [x2]

I just might bend but wont break
As long as I can see your face

[Chorus x2]

the birthday boy

We survived our first year of Jackson.  Actually, it's more accurate to say that he survived US.  We could not have asked for an easier child (overall).  Then again, any child compared to Malachi's required care would without thought fall into the "easy" category! When it came to eating, sleeping, or overall demeanor, Jackson was pretty much a pro from the beginning.  Either that, or I was so tired in the beginning that I can't remember just how sleepless the first few months really were! With family, with friends, or at church, Jackson is one very loved baby and we are so thankful God placed him in our lives!

Here are a few glimpses from our 11.11.11 party!

 Daddy made an AMAZING superman cake.  Unfortunately for him, the bar has now been set for Emerson's December birthday cake!

singing happy birthday.

Digging in!

Messy baby.

signing: MILK!

"one last bite, mom!"

Pictures I took most weeks throughout his first year...

Jackson is a pretty long and lean 1-year-old at 22.8 lbs and 31 inches long. 

In his birthday week alone he graduated into a forward facing car seat, climbed the entire flight of stairs, and took his first steps (actually the walking was on his birthday!).  

He is the first to get to daddy when he walks through the door after work--grinning from ear to ear while crawling his little heart out. 

He intentionally gives us hugs and kisses.

He is working on his "cheesy face."

He can say: dada, mama, more, nigh' nigh', eat

and sign: more, please, milk, all done, diaper, sleeyp, eat/food.

He likes playing patty-cake, talking on his cell phone, looking through books, destroying Emerson's buildings, pushing trucks/cars back and forth.

While crawling, he will clear a path for himself by chucking toys behind him.  He also does not like when the ottoman or end tables are covered and he will systematically piece-by-piece remove items to either the floor or john's lap.

options

A friend of Emma's couldn't think of anything she wanted for Christmas to tell her aunt and Emma looked at her and said " Shawna, you have to consider your options."

etc.

Emma, you need to start remembering again to flush the potty when you're done or we're not going to let you use the restroom anymore.  {sarcasm}

"Oh, then i'll just have to go outside!"

---

Daddy, can you open my peanut for me?  I'm not as strong as you.

---

While listening to an infomercial on the radio about some diet product, we overheard: "And now, I can even wear my skinny jeans!"

Emma replied:  "Skinny jeans!?!?! Good job!"

Dug Down Deep {Joshua Harris}

Dug Down Deep
Building Your Life on Truths That Last
(Joshua Harris)

I didn't really know what to expect as I had never read anything by this author before (better known for his book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"). I was pleasantly surprised.

In Bible college, I read theology book after theology book.  The Bible became academia.  I learned for a grade.  I studied for the test.  Head knowledge.  Lots of learning with little application.  I wish this would have been the first book I read.  There are so many good resources for solid biblical theology, but none of that matters without this book.  Knowledge of God without application of why it matters to the ins and outs of your life is pointless--that is why this book is necessary.

Bottom line: I've been challenged to base my choices on truth about God and what He is doing in the world...God reveals truth about Himself in His Word, not for the sake of knowledge, but for the sake of relationship with us.

So what are you going to do about it?

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review

Superheroes

John and Emma were watching an animated show of The Avengers. One of the bad characters said, "I'm the Most powerful being in the universe!

No he's not. There's Jesus and God [pause] and the Hulk.

Later in the show the hulk came and smashed the bad guy and Emma turned and looked up at John as if to say "that's right, I called that."

Miracles from the Beginning

1.  We were unaware that anything was wrong with Malachi while in utero.  It wouldn't have changed anything except that there might have been a NICU nurse already present at the time of delivery.  I am almost certain I would have been a head case for at least the latter half of my pregnancy--causing more unnecessary stress on baby.

2. When choosing my doctor, I decided to go with someone close to our home in Camby, therefore delivering at the hospital in the next town over--Mooresville.  During one of my visits, she informed me that she only delivers at hospitals with at least a level 2 NICU.  Any other doctor in that area would have delivered at the close hospital and there wouldn't have been enough time to get Malachi the immediate care he needed.

3. Most babies are born with a faint heart murmur--as was Chi.  Because of the initial respiratory distress, Malachi was checked out more thoroughly.  A heart scan (echocardiogram) was ordered and this revealed not one but THREE heart abnormalities: aortic atresia, ASD, and VSD (layman's terms: his heart wouldn't pump blood properly and there was a hole between his upper two chambers and a hole between his lower two chambers.)

4. Not only was the more invasive heart exploration a miracle, but the fact that Malachi had all four properly sized chambers to his heart was also a miracle as many times aortic atresia leads to only three working chambers.

5. There is a vessel in babies which is pertinent in fetal blood flow circulation and oxygenation which connects the aorta and the pulmonary artery. This vessel (ductus arteriosus) closes up on its own within minutes to a few days after birth.  His heart issues were identified early enough that he could begin medication to keep that vessel open--his lifeline.  (Normally, when this vessel stays open--patent ductus arteriosus or PDA--it is considered a defect and may strain the heart and increase blood pressure in the lungs)

6. After the delivery, before were moved to our next room and able to see Malachi, my doctor came into the room.  The peace that God administered to us even in the first few hours of all of this is unfathomable.  We were given the opportunity to be a witness for Him before we could even THINK to be intentional about it. I was dumbstruck as she was leaning over my bedside apologizing for what was happening to us and so confused that we were just calm (granted, some of it I'm sure was shock, but there was legitimate calm and peace mixed in as well). From the very beginning John was able to testify to her of the great God we are honored to serve.

7.  His name.  In the initial 20 week ultrasound, we were told that he was a she (John wasn't convinced for a second).  He was going to be Taylor (a girl).  Baby Tay-tay as Emma called him.  At 28 weeks, however, we had another ultrasound which very clearly revealed we had a baby boy brewin' in there!  We were definitely considering a family name, like Jackson David.  As it got closer and closer to baby entry, we really just weren't at rest with any of the names we were considering.  John stated that his favorite new testament character (besides Christ) was Stephen the martyr and his favorite old testament book was Malachi.  Malachi Stephen it was.  The name was perfect.  After his arrival, we learned the meaning: Crowned Messenger of God.

Initial Diagnoses

The neonatologist at our first hospital had original

St. Francis: TE Fistula / Heart murmur, transferred to Riley due to heart deformity on echocardiogram.

Riley: The consults.