Embracing the gift

I was asked if I'd answer some questions for a moms group on Facebook. Figured I'd just as well post them here too...


Marissa Sharbaugh, wife to John, and mother to Emerson (5), Jordan (heaven), Malachi (heaven), Jackson (2)

1. What were your thoughts when you first found out you were pregnant? How did you share it with your husband? (feel free to share for each kid if you have more than one)

Emerson--I went to the doctor for a regular check up the Monday of finals week as we had just put in our two-weeks notice with our current employer to move to Indiana after graduation. I called John from the doctors office, almost in shock!

Jordan--I was taking care if a six month old... Horribly sick the entire shortened pregnancy... Miserable. Don't remember how I told John.

Malachi--After miscarrying Jordan (13 weeks) I was desiring greatly to have another baby. Took a test on my 23rd birthday--5 months after miscarriage--and ran downstairs to show John two positive results! (I wanted to be certain)

Jackson--Found out I was pregnant the morning Malachi was supposed to be discharged to home from the ICU. He was five months old and took a bad turn keeping him at the hospital. It was then that I knew our time with Malachi would probably be limited.

2. Were you nervous about being a mommy? What scared you the most?
At first I was pretty confident that I would easily transition to motherhood. Then I was in charge of an infant 24/7. An infant who didn't nurse well and cried when not being held by her daddy. I found myself second guessing most parenting decisions and my ability to trust God-given instincts to learning my baby and feeding her. I was very fearful of failing, yet in a very general unspecific way.

I was also scared that they would die. I met this head on with our second pregnancy... God took away Jordan in the womb and Malachi died at seven months (CHARGE & DiGeorge syndrome)

3. Were you afraid of physical changes that might occur during the process of carrying a gift from God?
Hadn't really thought about the logistics physically.

4. Did you get stretch marks?
Yes
If yes, What were your feelings and thoughts toward that?
Frustration. I was an athlete and had been used to a decently toned tummy. I did not enjoy my newfound squishyness ! (I was lucky and they faded to a pale skin color)
If no, what other changes occurred and how did you deal with them?
Chronic hip and low back pain... I also learned to be mindful if I needed to sneeze!

I did find myself very unattractive and it was hard to let my husband see me in the shower. I was just very VERY uncomfortable in my own skin.

5. During labour, what were your thoughts while your body was going through a lot of pain?
I was induced and received epidurals with the three pregnancies I carried to term. I was extremely surprised with the labor pains that come with miscarrying a baby. Not being familiar with the nearby hospital after hours entrances, I ended up delivering Jordan in the parking lot--which was taxing mentally/emotionally as well.

6. When you first saw your child, what were your thoughts?
Honestly, I was kind of grossed out by the blood and "cheesy" substance. Once she was wiped down, I was smitten. Instant admiration. I knew I would do anything required for this Baby entrusted to John and I's care.

7. When your child was hungry and you fed him/her, what went through your mind?
Nursing never felt natural for me. It was not a bond or delight. It was a motherly duty. Emma did not nurse well, I'm sure my anxieties were partly to blame. I pumped for Malachi and he received breast milk through his feeding tube for the first 3 months. Jackson was a champ and nursed well from the beginning--but even then it weirded me out!

Nursing is not always easy, what helped you get through the first few weeks of pain?
It was cheap and I knew it was the best nutrition for my baby. I only lasted 6 weeks with Emma, same for Malachi (though I pumped a greater supply than he was given in NICU so it lasted a while), and 8 months I think with Jackson.

8. As you watch your kids learn and grow and as they bring joy into your lives, what do you think about those stretch marks, nursing pains or sleepless nights?
I'm thankful that part of it is behind me! But the memory of the physical pain fades quickly. I'm also realizing that the sleep depravation is a gift from God so that we would forget the "undesirable" parts of bringing new life into the world.

9. If you could say something to your child/children, what would it be?
Everyday I say this to my kids at least once--
Me: Hey, guess what?
E/J: You love me.
Me: Yep! And why do I love you?
E/J: Because I'm your daughter/son.
Me: And?
E/J: And you're my mama.

I want them to know I love them because God gave them to me and there is nothing they can do to earn my love or diminish my love for them. It's also a good reminder for me to know the same applies for me and my Heavenly Father.

10. What is the biggest desire you have for your kids?
That they would know Jesus, love Him, desire to obey and serve Him with their lives.

Quotes from the last month or so...

Emma: Oh. You took all the blankets off my bed.
Mama: Yep. I washed your sheets.
Emma: Hmm... That's weird. Well, not weird. Just random.
______

I started hanging up her clothes and heard this in the background.
Emma: And this book has a girl. Tied up. In the library. It was very dangerous. Don't try it at home.
______

I heard Jackson stirring in his bed this morning, so I peeked in his door. When he saw me, he sat up. So I turned on the light.
"I not awake"
"Okay, do you want me to turn the light back off and leave you alone"
"Leave light on. You go away."
______

While playing with her innotab toy, it shut off abruptly. "It's okay, mama. I just knocked out the cord. It wasn't like an emergency or anything.
______

Jackson likes to joke around with one of our deacons at church...one Wednesday Jackson was being a punk to him. Bruce faking anger got right in his face and said, "You have a heart problem, mister." Without skipping a beat Jackson looked him square in the eye and said, "I don't have a heart."
______

John: Jackson, did you toot?
Jackson: I didn't not!
______

Jackson to mama: wassup girl!?
______

Jackson when excited about something: Yay-ho!

Resurrection Sunday

We had a great worship service this morning. Obviously the overlying emphasis was that of Christ conquering death. I was crazy overcome with how significant this is in regard to our two kiddos we no longer have in our arms--Jordan Hope we miscarried at 3 weeks when Emma was 9 months old and then Malachi Stephen was born with severe medical conditions yet we were blessed with him for seven months. Christ's resurrection proves all that He said about Himself during His time on earth--He was and is God. Because of Christ's life, death, and resurrection we have hope, we have LIFE. Our babies LIVE!

So even though this is the visible reminder we have of our sons life on earth, we know that this is temporary. We know there is an eternity that goes far beyond this dark and depressing shadow that we call life. I'm thankful that Malachi will not have to experience the grief and heartache that I am left with until I die. (Side note: I'm learning a lot right now. If I can formulate my thoughts into coherent text, I'll share at some point)

Rejoicing in the resurrection led us here after morning service... Ashamedly, this is the first time we've been since his birthday. The cemetery is cold and depressing in the winter. Spring is my favorite. It's a reminder of God making all things new.

Exchanged the old flowers for new,
but kept the pink daisy Emma picked out from the last time...
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Love this precious moment...

Emma was pretty emotional after John and I prayed at the gravesite. So we decided to take a picture of our sad faces...

But then we talked about how the tomb was EMPTY.... Jesus conquered the grave and saved her little brother. So this is us being SO EXCITED that Baby Chi isn't sick anymore!


It amazes me that death and grief and visits to the cemetery will be a normal part of our kids' lives. It definitely leads to many conversations I'm sure most parents try to avoid. I'm learning to be thankful. I'm reminded over and over again that death isn't natural. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's a consequence of our sin--my sin and yours. But God made a way. He gave His Son. His Son lived a sinless life. Gave Himself up to a condemned death. Was raised three days later. Then raised in glory. Glory to be shared with sinners like me who believe in Him by faith. Faith that is life changing. Faith that desires to trust God and obey Him. Even if I can't see the eternal. Even in the grief. Because its not about me. It's not about Malachi. It's all about Jesus. And that's all I need.

a "good game" gone wrong

 jackson just started crying... i asked what happened...

emma replied: I was giving him a high-five on the booty.

E100 8-Isaac's Birth and Sacrifice

Genesis 21:1-22:19 God tests the faith of His people.

Wow. So this is what we read starting in chapter 21... The Lord visited Sarah as he had said and The Lord did to Sarah as he had promised. And Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son...Isaac.

God stayed true to His Word.

Chapter 22... God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!...Take your son, your only son Isaac...and offer him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you."

Okay, God... You gave me this son which you promised would come a great nation. You are true to Your word. Now You want me to kill him???

Abraham obeys.

At the last minute, when Isaac is laying on top of the altar, bound to it, seeing his father standing above him with dagger raised, they hear and angel, "Abraham, Abraham! Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him..." And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns.

They named that mountain Moriah: "The Lord will provide"

My faith was tested in a big way with our son, Malachi. We trusted God for physical healing that never came. Our faith is still tested when it comes to the decision we made to stop his medical treatment (he was currently requiring artificial support to eat and to breathe, as well as over 60 doses of medication daily, with no working immune system). God sustained our son for seven months. Did we hold on for too long, pushing his treatment too far? Did we give up too early, not pushing hard enough?

How is your faith being tested?

E100 7-God's Covenant with Abram

Genesis 15--God's Covenant with Abram

15:5 and following: And he brought him (a childless Abram) outside and said, "Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them. Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be." And he believed The Lord, and he counted it to him as righteousness.

At first glance, I look at this and I'm awed at Abram's faith. Abram here knew full-well that it would require him in his old age (85-ish) to have a child with his wife (75-ish). A baby!

On the days where I'm transfixed on my Savior, this is the faith I'm granted. (I've already got Christ's righteousness)

But it's interesting, as I read further in the Bible. It seems like Abrams faith isn't quite as steadfast as it appears first glance. He lets his wife convince him that he should have sex with her servant.

God doesn't dismiss Abram, instead God stays faithful and God stays true to His Word.

Genesis 17... When Abram was NINETY-NINE YEARS OLD...

This was fourteen years after he had a child with his wife's servant. Fourteen years of waiting for Sarah to get pregnant. Fourteen years of more wondering and doubting. Fourteen years before God said...
"Behold, my covenant is with you, and you shall be the father of a multitude of nations..."

God is a covenant God. What He says, He means. What He says He'll do, He does.

No matter the circumstances. No matter my failures. No matter my doubts. My God clings to me when I have no strength to continue to cling to Him.

John and I stayed faithful to each other and to our God while Malachi was in the hospital not because we are strong and righteous, but rather because our God is strong and righteous and faithful and true to His Word. Because He has made a covenant with His people.

Do you serve the God of the Bible? The faithful, covenant-keeping God of Scripture.

E100 6-The Call of Abram

Genesis 12
The Lord said to Abram, "Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing...and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed."
So Abram went, as The Lord had told him.

Seems simple. God says go, man goes.

So many times I think, "If only I knew what I was supposed to do. If only I had a 'word from the Lord'..." But I do. Everything I am supposed to know about God is revealed to me in His Word--the Bible. I have all the "word from the Lord" that I need.

John and I know that God is calling us to full time ministry. We thought that meant moving to China. We believe God is making a way for us to share the gospel with international students who are studying here in the States. That is what we are pursuing, currently missionary interns with our local church and keeping current with a ministry connected with Iowa State University. Exciting times ahead!

To what is God calling you?