okay with not knowing.

So I started yawning at about 8:30 this evening. I must be getting old ;)

I always feel like I have so many things that I want to tell the world, that when it comes down to actually writing something out, I never know what to say or how to say it.

Right now, I am thankful that all of my needs have been and are being provided for. Spiritually, I have a personal relationship with the God of the universe. Physically, I have food to eat, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. Emotionally, I have a husband who can't get enough of me and would do anything to ensure that all the above mentioned needs are continually met.

Timing seems to be a topic that subtly or overtly seems to creep into my posts. I seem to have this internal time frame already set for each step of John and I's life. I keep forgetting that only God can see the big picture. I need to let go of all these assumptions that I have regarding my future and just live out what God has already set forth.

On that note, I also need to keep in perspective that I DON'T NEED TO HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS! I don't know where I got the notion that I needed to have it all "figured out." One thing I've learned as I've gotten older is that most adults don't really have all the answers, they've just gotten better at faking like they do. We're still starting out. We've been married for almost two years. We've relished in the fact that God has given us Emerson to train up and we've grieved in the death of our second daughter, Jordan. Life is hard. John works long hours some days, but we pay all our bills. We keep reminding ourselves that in the busyness of life, family and rest are still important. This does not mean that I think being stagnant is okay, it is still important to progress and complete the things that need completing.

I'm not sure where else I want to go with this post, so I will stop for now and leave you with some encouraging words that God has left for His people from Psalm 37 that encouraged me in my reading today:
3: Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4: Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires.
5: Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him and He will help you.
16: It is better to be godly and have little than to be evil and rich. (I have a feeling that this one will always apply as I really don't plan on being rich monetarily at any point in our lives.)
18: Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent and they will receive an inheritance that lasts forever. They will not be disgraced in hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough.
23: The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.

a great night.

For Valentine's Day, I had a great gift idea for John fall right in my lap. His favorite band is Sanctus Real and they just so happened to be performing in Indianapolis this weekend. We also were able to get a poster autographed and meet the lead singer. They have a song called "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)" and the lyrics really hit home. It's hard to sit back and realize that it took something like losing Baby Jordan to really focus on God and reevaluate His will for our lives serving Him in full time ministry. I have included a bit of the lyrics below.

It's time for healing time to move on; It's time to fix what's been broken too long; Time make right what has been wrong; It's time to find my way to where I belong; There's a wave that's crashing over me; All I can do is surrender.

Whatever you're doing inside of me; It feels like chaos somehow there's peace; It's hard to surrender to what I can't see; but I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Time for a milestone; Time to begin again; Reevaluate who I really am; Am I doing everything to follow your will; or just climbing aimlessly over these hills; So show me what it is you want from me; I give everything I surrender...

I really underestimated how much seeing these artists perform their songs live would impact me. It's amazing to hear them explain their songs and why they wrote them and the intent behind the lyrics. It just brings each song to an entirely new level. Matthew West also performed at the concert. John and I have become fans of his recently in the last few months and were excited that he would be one of the other performers. Right after he was finished with his portion of the show, he hopped on a plane and headed back to Nashville to meet his wife in the hospital as she was scheduled to be induced to have their second baby girl. Something kind of cool we learned about him was that he had vocal chord surgery less than two years ago and he had no guarantee of being able to sing after recovery, let alone be able to sing as his career. He, too, had a song that was a great challenge to my life. It is called "The Motions."

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something.

John and I really just want to keep moving forward and really just live out what God already has planned for us. It was just a huge encouragement for me especially as it still seems like there is SO MUCH that still needs to be done before we can take that next step.

Last, but not least, the first performer of the night was a guy by the name of Jason Gray. John and I had never heard of him, but he also has an amazing story. He actually has a speech handicap and stutters in normal conversation. When he was younger he really felt like God was calling Him to sing. He was like, "Really, God? How about you make it so I can talk first." But, sure enough, Jason has this amazing voice and no stutter once he starts singing. We really liked being a part of the entire event.

All in all, it was a great way to end our Valentine's Day weekend and just come out with a renewed commitment to each other and to our Lord, Jesus Christ. We are ready to serve Him wherever He leads. I pray that it doesn't take another tragedy to wake us up and get us back on the right track.

trying to be patient...

...and checking priorities.

I'm not really sure why I decided to impose deadlines on us for getting the house on the market. We aren't in any extreme hurry. But the closer and closer we got to that February 1 deadline I set, the more impatient and short-fused I became in just everyday life. I was very aware of what was not getting accomplished in the timeframe of which I decided was best for us. Even if John was putting in a 50+ hour week and we had family things on the weekend, to me it still wasn't good enough. Instead, how thankful I should have been and should be that my husband is working his behind off to make sure that we can pay the bills every month and that his wife and baby are taken care of. All this to say, it was very much hindering me in my God-given role as wife and mother.

So I've taken a step back to try and get a clearer picture of things. A while back, as soon as John expressed interest in teaching english overseas and looking into full-time missions, I was ready to go and ready to go NOW. I knew there are a lot of things that need to take place before all that including the sale of our house in a not-so-pretty market. Right now my "job" is to serve my husband and help him in any way that I can as well as taking care of our daughter. I also need to put God as my first priority and continue to grow in Christlikeness before I will be effective in any future ministries which I will be a part of.

I better wrap this up. Halfway through this post my sick baby woke up crying for her mama. So I've been cradling her with one arm and typing with just the other. Quick sickness update: Emma seems to be on the mend. She started puking last Tuesday and finally a week later she seems to be doing better. John woke up with horrible stomach issues and began vomiting around 5A.M. I've just had a touch of the bug this afternoon/evening--a blessing since I've been taking care of the other two! Hopefully Emma will let me put her back in her crib so i can get some quality shut eye before morning. 'Night

from hope to fear?

From Glenn Beck's daily e-mail thing:

"This is what hope looks like? Obama said today that we may not survive if we don't pass the stimulus package. Sounds more like fear mongering to Glenn, but hey, who are we to question 'the one?' President Obama says it's absolutely necessary to our nation's survival, so Glenn re-looks at what's in the stimulus package to see what we 'have to pass' in order to survive."

He then gives a link to list of 50 must have items to 'save' America from the stimulus.

A few of my favorites:
$4.2 billion for “neighborhood stabilization activities”
$650 million for digital-TV coupons; $90 million to educate “vulnerable populations”
$150 million for the Smithsonian
$600 million to convert the federal auto fleet to hybrids
$450 million for NASA (carve-out for “climate-research missions”)
$600 million for NOAA (carve-out for “climate modeling”)
$1 billion for the Census Bureau
$87 million for a polar icebreaking ship
$150 million for “producers of livestock, honeybees, and farm-raised fish”


This entire economic SPENDING democratic wish list just drives me crazy. I am very thankful that this world is not my own and that I will be spending eternity with my Lord and Savior.

sitting in little places.

So, I've been horrible at sitting down and actually posting new things on this site. I need to remind myself often that it doesn't have to super profound. I just want to let people have a glimpse into our lives. So here goes...


Emerson now likes to sit in little places. I'm not sure why, but it started a week or so ago. I wish I had more pictures, but in the past couple of days we have found her sitting (or trying to sit) in multiple little places. The picture above is her sitting in a little box we had out while I've started packing things. Her high chair tray was sitting at the floor in the kitchen, so she sat on that.
She has since been sitting in other small boxes, including those already full of other items. And my favorite is when she was pulling all my pots and pans out of the cupboard and attempting to fit into my biggest pot... she then proceeded to stubbornly yell at me because she didn't fit. I love my one year old!

Beginner's luck???

Okay, so the past couple of days Emma has been constipated. (Marissa, seriously, where is this going? Bare with me on this.) Due to the difficulty with the poo, it's pretty obvious for us to tell when she is going (or trying to go). So it made me think, now might be a good time to introduce a potty chair. From the straining to the time of poo evacuation is at least a minute, so there would be ample time to disrobe the baby and stick her on the chair. I'm definitely not going to be forcing my daughter to be potty trained by 18 months, but I at least would like her to be familiar with the idea of not relieving herself in her pants all the time.

Well, Emma got a Target gift card for Christmas from her Great Uncle Mike and Great Aunt Sue. We ran to Target and purchased Emma's first potty (she also got some bath toys). The one pictured isn't THE potty, but you get the idea.
John was caught up at work and they needed him to stay late, so I was trying to keep Emerson occupied enough so that she would stay awake until he got home. So I got chili started and simmering on the stove. Emma finished her dinner. So I decided to give her a bath before she took her bedtime bottle. I figured we'll be up in the bathroom and she'll be in her birthday suit anyway, might as well plop her on it and see how she reacts.

The seat is still a little too high for her and her feet couldn't touch the ground, so she used me for balance (her version doesn't have the handles on the side). I really didn't think anything would happen considering she hadn't been straining or anything of that regard, but sure enough when she decided to get off her potty, she had left a little number two behind.

Anywho, it was probably beginner's luck and I'm not going to force it. It was just crazy that she happened to actually use it for its primary purpose on the first try.

apparently not "blogging."

So, December wasn't the best month for me as far as adding to this site. I really don't have an excuse, just laziness I suppose. Maybe January '09 will prove to be better.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of this blog will continue to be. For lack of any clear direction, I will probably just post random things happening to me and our little family.

For now, we are finishing up the house. It will hopefully be on the market at the end of January. We aren't in any particular HURRY to sell, sell, sell, but we do want to be debt free (which we will if we get anywhere close to market value) and able to move at any time. I requested some information from a few local realtors. We will see how it goes!

This is a picture of Emerson opening up gifts at Grandma and Grandpa Sharbaugh's house on Christmas Eve. Notice she is not wearing her cute outfit, but rather boy-looking pajamas. She pretty much spent most of the day in just socks and a diaper because of "accidents." John was the unfortunate one who picked her up not realizing she had blown out and it was slowly creeping up her backside. Good times. (By the time her b-day came around, she was pretty good at opening gifts!)

Okay, that's all. We're still all sick and hopefully John will be able to make it into work tomorrow. Poor guy. He got what Emerson and I are recovering from PLUS he caught something else at work on Monday. He's not doing so hot :(.